I Am She Who Is Not

God is the One Who Is

One of the most fundamental revelations given to St. Catherine of Siena in a mystical vision became a powerful teaching that informed her entire ministry. From around 1368 until her death at the age of 33 in 1380, St. Catherine lived by this crucial maxim and taught it to others.

As recounted by of her confessor, spiritual director and biographer, Raimondo of Capua:

“She often recounted for her confessors … what took place when our Lord Jesus Christ first began to appear to her. He appeared to her one day while she was at prayer, and said: ‘Do you know, daughter who you are and who I am? If you know these two things you have beatitude in your grasp. You are she who is not, and I Am He Who Is. Let your soul but become penetrated with this truth, and the Enemy can never lead you astray.”

I am she who is not …

This is a phrase I often repeat to myself when I feel overwhelmed, vulnerable or unworthy of accomplishing a certain task. When I feel unable to do something I know our Lord wants me to do, it brings me internal strength to recall that on my own, I truly am unable. I’m even incapable of being alive based on my own merits. I truly am she who is not—because only God Is.

And that’s a comforting truth to hold close.

All we are, all we do, all we have are graces from God. Can we accomplish this task, minister to that person, comfort another, help our neighbors in any way? The answer is a firm and resounding no. We can’t do any of these things on our own, but when we completely surrender to God, when we give Him all our works, when we eliminate ourselves by asking for the grace of total surrender, then He rushes in to fill us with His Advocate, the Holy Spirit.

Our beloved Bridegroom is so eager for us to open the door to Him. “Open to me, My sister, My love, My dove, My perfect one, for My head is covered with dew, My locks with the drops of night” (Song of Songs 5:2).

In John 15:5 we read: “I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in Me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.” This is another way of understanding St. Catherine’s revelation that “you are she who is not, and I Am He Who Is.” Just as a branch cannot survive without the vine, neither can we survive without the Living Vine.

When we remember who we are in Christ—that we are not, and He Is—radical acceptance becomes more understandable and less overwhelming. In the Hope’s Garden CHRIST Program, we’re taught the importance of validating our emotions while not being overtaken by them. We then have to discern the reality of our feelings in light of the situation.

This needs to be done prayerfully in order to hear the “still, small voice” of the Holy Spirit (2 Kings 19:12). When asking Jesus what is in our power to change, remembering that we “are not” and our beloved Bridegroom is the One Who Is helps us to “accept the things we cannot change” and to be open to receiving “the courage to change the things we can change” (The Serenity Prayer).

The next step to accepting what is—which opens the pathways for what is to come, in accordance with God’s will—is to trust in His good and holy plan for our lives. This naturally leads to surrendering to the marriage bed of Christ, which is an acceptance of our sufferings—the things we cannot change—within the full knowledge of how beautiful we are to Him, and how worthy of dignity and respect. Accepting our current situation doesn’t mean tolerating the intolerable. What it does mean is that we can come to terms with where we are in the present moment, and seek God-given change when needed.

This brings us back full-circle to the wisdom of St. Catherine of Siena. “I am she who is not … God is the One Who Is.” When we realize this truth—that we truly can do all things through Christ who strengthens us (Phil. 4:13)—then we’re able to surrender to Jesus the reality of our feelings about any given situation, placing it thoroughly and completely in His hands. We can then accept His will—no matter what it may be—and ask Him for the grace of acceptance. This leads to being at peace in the knowledge that we are safe, loved, and protected by God’s will, resting firmly in His arms. “His left arm is under my head and His right embraces me” (Song of Songs 8:3)

“That I am, Lord, I offer to you, for it is you, Yourself.”

(Anonymous, 14th century, The Book of Privy Counselling)

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